Unloved & Ill Informed

Some days I skip along through life as though everything is as it should be but most days I struggle. Some days are easier to get through while others are crippling. I have a million thoughts going through my head at any given time on any given day. I don’t even question myself anymore. I’ve become more direct. Instead of asking myself, “Am I a good mother” or “Does my husband love me” I am quick to TELL myself that I am not and he doesn’t. At my core I understand that this cannot be true. I do my best with my children, although often I fail, and my husband tells me that he loves me every day; still my heart struggles.

I am a person that does not feel loved. I can give you all of my love all day long but receiving it is a whole other story. Many times I equate love to selflessness. I try very hard to make sure that more often than not, I am putting myself behind others. That your needs and wants are met while mine are sent to the back of the line. It is something that I both love and hate about myself. I believe that selflessness is a great quality. I myself look for that quality in other people which brings me to its downfall. Not many people are as extreme as I am. If they can work something out then they will…if not they won’t. That’s not me. I don’t care if I already have plans, nine times out of 10 if you need something, I’ll work it in and make it happen. Helping and being good to others brings me joy. BUT, because I would go out of my way for you, I hold close to the hope that you would do the same for me. I have expectations. Unfortunately that is not the way of the world, which then leaves me feeling forgotten, unworthy and unloved. Please don’t misunderstand; I realize that there are deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with feeling thought of however, those are the day to day issues that arise.

I’m not quite sure at what point I began feeling this way or if I always have. I’m sure there are many contributing factors from my childhood up to now, none of which realizing has made any difference. The real question is how I move forward. I know that my worth is found in God, but how do I get to that place of accepting His grace. How do I get to a place of accepting and feeling His love, so that I can accept and feel the love of others?

I crave that feeling. I crave the freedom that it has the power to bring. In my mind, I see the acceptance of love as an open invitation to joy and happiness. That’s not to say that trouble will never again find me, because I know that we are promised that it will but, perhaps a person who knows they are loved is better suited to handle the troubles when they come. It’s a lot like people that have suffered a great loss and can come out of it saying that it was God’s will and they may not understand but they know that His will is good and right. Although they have sadness for their loss they don’t appear to harbor anger. The love that they are able to acknowledge that God has for them and for their loved one is sufficient enough for their loss to be justified. That is amazing. If that were to happen to me at this point in my journey I would crumble and that saddens me. I want so badly to FEEL it. I want to believe it. I don’t want to wonder how He could possibly love me that much. I know what He did for me. I know that He sacrificed his son, his blood, his body for me, so that I would be saved; so that I could be with Him again. His love for me runs that deep. So why do I not feel it. Is it a lack of belief or have the troubles of this world beaten me down so much over the years that I’ve become numb. Have I left myself so vulnerable to Satan for so long that he knows my weakness, sees the holes in my heart and fills my head with lies so that the gaps will be so scarred that they may never close? Perhaps, but moreover, I believe that I allow my feelings of unworthiness to trump everything else. I’ve allowed it to rule my world, steal my joy, and divert an otherwise would be grateful heart.

As I stood in my kitchen with tears pouring from my eyes in that dark place that consumes me, I texted my friend. I asked him how I could learn to accept God’s grace and realize His love for me. I told him that I have repeatedly asked God to soften my heart (as it has hardened over the years) and that I try constantly to be better every day. His response to me was this: Instead of trying to fix my sin problem, cling to Jesus; He has already fixed it. Grace is about accepting that gift. Grace cannot be earned or bought.

God knows our sinful nature and yet He loves us. He knows that we are unable to change it which is why He sent His son to change it all for us. God knows that we do not honor Him in all that we do daily and still He loves us. He has no expectations of us. He gives His unfailing love to us freely. He expects nothing in return, which is probably a good thing because I’m not sure how you repay God. But, we try, don’t we? I know I do. I try to earn love by being a good person and checking the boxes on my list of good deeds and kind gestures. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t do these things but rather than looking at them as something that I am called to do by God, I now realize that it is what I GET to do because of what God has done for me. I get to be free to be me because He loves me no matter what I do. He loves me when I am at my best and loves me no less when I am at my worst. He loves me the same today, tomorrow and on Friday. He accepts me as I am. He doesn’t accept me more because I followed all of His rules to a Tee. He accepts me knowing that I won’t. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my deepest darkest thoughts and secrets and still His love is steadfast. He loves me because it’s who He is. Not because I’ve earned it. I could never earn it.

I have gone through life hating so many things about myself, trying to change them and make them right, trying to be better, trying to earn God’s grace, trying to be worthy. But I don’t have to be any better of a human than He made me. All of the areas that I struggle in are accepted. All of my sin past, present and future has been washed clean by His blood. Am I deserving of it? Yes because He says I am. He says that I am worth the sacrifice that He made. I was given a gift beyond my understanding, greater than my imagination can comprehend and instead of pushing it away and telling myself that I am unworthy, I GET to be grateful. My Heavenly Father loves me that much and although in this world I appear undeserving, in His eyes I am worth it all. What His eyes see are all that matter.

Days will go by and struggles will continue to come but with each trial I GET to find the silver lining. I GET to make the choice to be accepting of who I am faults and all remembering that that they have already been fixed by Jesus. Knowing that He knows me better than I know myself and He loves me still.